Oy. I am in the midst of a quarter life crisis and I am losing my shiz so today is all about the transitions into adulthood and how the kinda suck (and by kinda, I mean to say everything sucks right now).
When you are younger, there is a notion that adults have it all together: a car, a house, a family, a cute little fluffy pup to keep them smiling (I mean- that IS the real dream…your own dog….or for me it is…don’t judge me).
No one tells you that you’re going to go through hell before you get these things- if you ever happen to get these things.
No one tells you that you begin ending friendships with people because you realize the toxicity that they bring to your life or how you will get fed up with being walked all over to the point that it breaks you.
No one tells you that having your heart completely shattered right after you realize things and become less afraid than you have ever been before because it just kinda felt right.
No one tells you student loans strangle you or that health care is actually really important but really expensive.
So, today, I feel like crawling back into the depths of my bed and throwing the covers over my head.
This adult business isn’t fun.
I have been totally fine with getting rid of people out of my personal bubble and space. It’s actually always been quite easier for me being this way rather than maintaining friendships or getting to the point that I loathe someone because they are constantly communicating with me via phone app of some sort. It may not have been healthy for me in the past but that was what I was used to- running through the people mill whilst trying to figure out who the hell I am supposed to become in this crazy world.
I was totally fine with this.
Took one person to rock the very core of my world for me to realize that this is not an effective way of dealing with crap.
I just need more time before I can even figure out a way to deal with that- and that’s totally okay. Being upset and being hurt does not mean that we shut down- it just means we focus else where and return to this maybe later… or maybe never.
What is the right healthcare program to sign up for? I am a single female of twenty five years old and I am scared crap-less about the future SO this is not helping any either.
How did it take me so long to see that surrounding myself with “party people” was not really a good idea?
WHO THE HECK AM I!?
The one thing I know for certain is that I am making pretty positive changes. I can already feel this weight that I have been burdened with for the past- gee, I dunno, twenty five years of my life- is getting a little lighter.
I have accepted that there are some things that I cannot change about myself or what people have done in the past in regard to me.
I have accepted -sigh- that I need healthcare even if this country doesn’t even have a plan right now.
I have accepted that I no longer get a break from the real world. I don’t get a summer vacation from my job and this is forever.
I have accepted that sometimes we cannot fix things as much as we try to. Even when we have the best intentions, sometimes things come out wrong and you can wind up taking a jackhammer to something that was extraordinary. (I don’t blame myself for this anymore and I feel some sense of resentment disappearing)
I have accepted that, sometimes, friends have an expiration date and we outgrow them. We try to maintain the origin of the friendship but it fails continuously and as we stifle each other, we ruin each other as well as memories.
I have lastly accepted that sometimes the very thing that breaks your heart also builds you up. Something so painful can also light a fire under your tush and send you spiraling into a frenzy but eventually- you figure it out. You figure out what you want, what you don’t want, what you need to do, what you need to stop doing, and you raise yourself up even in the darkest of times with the deepest cuts. You move forward.
SO- on that note, I bid you a wonderful Wednesday.
You deserve a good day.
The Untamable Wildflower 
Dude…I’m like the queen of shedding friends. I can’t tell you how many people have exited my life. It happens. It hurts. I find myself thinking of them from time to time and want to reach out to them. Just know that when you miss a friend that you cut ties with, most of the time you miss the memories that you had, or the feeling of happiness you had with them, not the actual person. The actual person may have been negative, toxic, hurtful, etc.
If you ever need to talk reach out. 🙂
And being an adult really does suck. I hate not having the summer off from work. I get a decent amount of PTO and vacation time, but it still isn’t enough. I am also looking to pick up a part time job so I have enough money for my bills. Every year I got through a depression and question who I am and what I want to do with my life. I’ve thought about going back to school again (the bonus factor was putting my student loan payments on hold). My dad gave me some advice: “College is expensive. What you used to be able to do is tell them what you wanted to do with your life and they’d guide you and by the end of college you’d be working in the field you wanted to be in. Now, they charge you an insane amount of money and don’t even help you get where you want to be. You have to figure out what you want to do and find a way to break in on your own. With the internet at your fingertips, there’s got to be a way.”
Good luck and I’m sure you’ll find a way. You’ve got a powerful personality and I have every faith in you that you’ll wind up somewhere you were meant to be and wanted to be.
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I am so glad someone feels the same as me and that I am not as nuts as I have been feeling lately.
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