I was going to title this article “Why I Can’t Date”, but I felt bitter every time I began to type it in a different form. It isn’t the fact that I am alone that makes me bitter- it is that the people I have to work with in my age group are difficult to ‘deal’ with when it comes to dating and relationships. After sitting back for the past few months and deliberating “Is it me or is it them?”, I finally found the correct answer:
It is both.
I am a very imaginative person and find myself lost in thought most of the time. I frequently over think and over-analyze even though this behavior often drives the barrier between myself and other people. It’s not okay – but I have realized why I do this:
My expectations of what I want and what is reality are two different things. Much like the rest of the human population, I tend to see only my ideas, to see only what I want to see, and I often ignore the ignorant realities that are present.
For example- If you were to ask me what my ideal boyfriend is, I would immediately recite: Dave Grohl combined with Mark Hoppus who also makes me pancakes on Sunday mornings. The guy that my parents adore, who does the lame pumpkin picking trip in October with me (despite the fact that we already have twelve pumpkins), who argues with me even when I’m right and he knows it. The guy who wakes me up in the middle of the night just to go for a walk because he can’t sleep, who has the most impeccable taste of music, and who gets shit faced with me when I have a bad day. I mean, these are just the specifics.
I have a type (or at least I have imagined it), and it’s been the same type for as long as I can remember. I have never dated that specific type of guy because I wasn’t ready for the way I’d hope I’d feel when it happened. When it did finally happen- it burned me more than anything has in my life.
Moving on from the lack-there-of relationship was difficult at first, but then I started seeing things that I wanted to change about myself. Since then, I’ve grown a bit and I’m pretty content with it. I admit that I am afraid to even think about opening the door again to the intense feelings I had. I feel so driven to do so many things, to keep growing, and to stay focused on removing toxicity from my life.
I am also certain that Disney ruined my view on love. I mean come on- Belle and the Beast, Jasmine and Aladdin, DORY AND MARLIN?! Let’s be real- you aren’t going to just find the love of your life because they have short term memory lost and your kid was kidnapped. At the end of almost every Disney movie, the princess gets rescued, the hero gets the girl, or the animal becomes the longed-for human again… obviously, this doesn’t happen in real life.
I’ve learned, in my twenty-five years, that not every story is a happy ending and that is totally okay. Those stories that do not end well should be used as learning experiences. In each relationship I have had, I always take at least one positive. I use that as a mental note in my head to add to a list of what I want or do not want in the future. But for real- the concept of being a mermaid and then having a massive palace with a prince DOES sound appealing.
I often get so wrapped up in the idea of something that, when the reality smacks me in the face, I feel helpless. I start questioning everything: was this happening the entire time? Why didn’t anyone punch me in the face and say “WAKE UP!” But then I think back to conversations and see the signs that I hadn’t seen before. Reality sets in, my brain starts yelling, “you are an idiot”, and then I beat myself up for not recognizing all of these things earlier. It’s a vicious cycle.
So- until I can rip my head out of the clouds and focus on the now instead of thinking of the far off future- I am grounding myself from even having a crush on anyone.
Except Dave Grohl and Mark Hoppus.