Weird Crap Guys Say To Me #3.

Updated shiz on the blog before getting into creeper story time:

• There is now a mission statement on the right hand corner of the page. Click it, read it, and live it.
• There will soon be a page for playlists and stuff to coincide with whatever stories or new series comes our way.

This is a true (and very creepy) story.

The Incestuous Individual

When I was twenty-three, I decided to download Tinder since it was ‘all of the rage’.

Yeah, no.

It’s not.

It is SO weird on there.

There were a lot of weird comments written to me in messages about things guys were into, what they were looking for, or just really odd pick up lines. There would be times that I would laugh and screen shot some of the messages to my friends. There were other times, though, when I just straight up blocked the person because some things (as I continuously say) are better left unsaid.

I did start chatting back and forth with a guy for a few weeks and he seemed pretty cool. He was into a lot of the same things I was into, super nice, very good with grammar, and had a pretty decent job. These things are kind of rare in men these days so I was waiting for the shoe to drop as it always does.

The first time we were supposed to go out, I bailed.

He wanted me to drive almost an hour from where I lived to meet him in New Hope, PA. I didn’t know if this guy was a serial killer, a predator of some type, or possibly a LARPing fiend. It is the internet- anyone can make anything up. So, I bailed. He didn’t talk to me for about two weeks after the fact.

When I finally heard from him, he apologized for not reaching out and had told me about a family emergency that had occurred. Naturally, I was like ‘no worries’ and apologized for what had occurred with him family. I didn’t really care that he was reaching out to me because I was too focused on getting everything planned for a vacation I was taking the following month. I also didn’t believe his family story because it was too elaborate and seemed as though he was just covering up his ego. Call it what you will, but I already saw a red flag. I decided, as I always do, to give it a change and maybe the red flag was just his nerves.

He then asked if I would consider trying to go out again.

I agreed on the condition that we go somewhere within a ten mile radius of my house.

(I didn’t specifically say that but you get the idea.)

He agreed to this.

Upon arrival, he looked distinctly different than his pictures. It was almost like someone just took a really good editing kit to all of his picture. I wasn’t bothered- he seemed really cool. I just find it strange that people really do take the time to zoom in on their pictures and edit. People are beautiful naturally and they should honestly really embrace it.

Then came the lisp.

Still- I was not bothered.

We had been talking back and forth on the way to grab dinner when the topic of sleep loss came up. Why we were talking about this, I cannot recall. I am, however, glad that this did come up or who knows what would have happened. He told me about how he liked to dabble in smoking some stuff to help him sleep.

This didn’t bother me either.

That was until he told me why I chose that particular substance as his sleep aid:

“I have really weird dreams when I don’t smoke before I go to bed,” he said as he was staring forwards out the windshield.

“Oh, really?”

“Yeah …I don’t know. I have dreams of killing people… sometimes incest.”

……I’m sorry…. what the hell did you just say?

KILLING PEOPLE?!

INCEST?!

I was terrified and stuck in the car with this guy. Thankfully, we were going to a restaurant where my friend worked that was nearby. At least I had made one safe decision that day.

We got to the restaurant and were seated in my friend’s area. I began texting under the table:

‘THIS GUY… TOLD ME.. HE HAS DREAMS ABOUT INCEST’

‘The guy you’re on a date with?’

‘HELP ME AND MAKE THIS AS FAST AS YOU CAN!!!!!’

My friend approached the table, tucking his phone into his pocket and smiled. I thought he would have made it awkward but he didn’t. I think he understood the severity of the situation and I made it blatantly obvious that I wasn’t enjoying myself. I literally had a marathon to see if I could eat my entire meal and how fast could I do it.

Needless to say, I was quiet the entire meal and didn’t even offer to pay.

Surprisingly, he wanted to continue hanging out after dinner and I knew this would be an issue. That is exactly why during the time in the restaurant, I had texted my best friend:

‘I need you to call my phone and tell me that I need to come home. Say Ozzie is in the hospital and I need to come home.’

Ozzie is my one and a half year old black Laberdoodle.

A few minutes later, my friend responds asking if everything is okay.

‘DUDE WANTS TO BANG HIS SISTER.’

When we were talking to the car, I had texted my friend  to let him know we were en route the car and to start the five minute count down on calling me.

Five minutes later- zzz-zzz-zzz.

‘Mommy calling’ was displayed on my phone screen.

Yes. I changed his name in my phone to ‘Mommy’ for the time being.

He posed as my eighteen year old brother and told me I needed to get home because Ozzie was violently vomiting.

The plan was a success.

I think that the dude figured out what was going on a few days later when he kept texting me and I wasn’t answering.

Moral of the story:

Don’t trust the internet. Just don’t. Also, Tinder is scary and I will never go back on there.

What did this guy expect me to say when he uttered that to me. And he didn’t even look at me! The entire time he was talking about it, he was staring out the window and I felt like I was getting ready to get stabbed in the front seat. I am the last person so judge people but what the hell?!

He contacted me a few months ago to basically call me a bitch. That was fine with me as I am a secure human being who doesn’t hunt people down a year later to call them names. I am also an adult. And lastly, I don’t enjoy dreaming of ripping throats open.

I then blocked the guy’s number and have been left alone since then… for now.

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